#reverb 10 Day 26: Soul Food

Prompt: What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

My soul food this year were tomatoes from my garden. I seem to be more of an armchair gardener, making great plans year after year, but I don’t “git ‘er done” so well. This year I planted three tomato plants and a fourth in my topsy turvy. I also put in a lovely basil plant next to them. I harvested rich, red cherry tomatoes as well as regular size. I don’t think I can eat store-bought tomatoes again. I didn’t know they could be so sweet. I threw them on hamburgers, in salads, ate them plain. I dried some cherry tomatoes for use the rest of the year, but I can hardly wait for the time to plant another round this coming summer.

What made them soul food, beyond being unbelievably delicious, was that I grew them on my own land (my square in the back yard) and with my own hands. I worked in partnership with Mother Nature to provide for myself. That brings nourishment to my soul as well as my belly.

#reverb10 Day 22: Travel

Prompt: How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt)

My husband and I traveled by plane and car this past year :)

We will be traveling by boat this year; we are taking a cruise to Hawaii in April. We will be leaving from LA on the ship, so it will be a long, wonderful cruise.

A life goal: to see an erupting volcano.

Another life goal: to be trapped on a ship with my husband for 10 days :)

#reverb 10 Day 20: Beyond Avoidance

Prompt: What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

ROFL!!! I read this prompt today after just (as in 5 seconds ago) sending off my final (13 page) paper to my grad school instructor, a paper I have been dragging along behind me (like Marley’s chains) for several weeks. In fact, I had planned on having it finished a week ago, but after finding the due date was first delayed by a few days and then an entire week, I have of course pushed this baby as far out in left field as it would go.

Why? This paper is a response to a video I filmed earlier this school year of my teaching. These things are painful to do, painful to watch, and then painful to analyze in detail. All my doubts and fears about my teaching are no longer hidden (if they ever really were) and are out there in full view of…well, my instructor, some classmates, but perhaps most importantly…myself. When I watch the video I can only see all the things I did wrong, how that blouse is totally not attractive on me, the student zoning off in the corner, etc. It is an experience similar to your life on the big screen. Weird, since a hundred teenagers are witness to my teaching every day. I’m not so worried about that, just what other adults think (why?).

The paper I wrote was a response to a series of prompts about what happened in the video. I was asked about what I DID do and how I know I did it. There is one small place at the back of the paper, in the reflection section, where the prompt asks me most quaintly what I would consider doing different next time. Despite my emotional need to go on ad infinitum, I choose one thing that I would change, explain it in a paragraph, and walk away.

Aaahhh…and now it is done. On with Christmas! Bring on my daughter’s wedding! The wheels of my life begin turning once again!

I often find that when it seems like the whole world is coming down on me, if I pause and reflect on what is really bothering me (writing it out is good here), it is usually one or two things that I have avoided, are carrying around with me in the back of my mind, and just can’t make myself get to. I am a strong believer in Flylady who says, “You can do anything in 15 minutes.” I make a plan where I sit down and attack the thing in 15 minute increments. Sometimes it only takes 15 minutes to do. Or I will find I am not ready to walk away after 15 minutes because I am on a roll. Worst case, I go do something enjoyable for a time then return, repeating the process until the task is finished. When I take action on those items, all of a sudden everything else falls into place and the nagging worry is gone, hope returns and a clearer vision appears of where to go from here. I am ready to take on the day.

Bonus: I did it!

#reverb 10 Day 18: Try

Prompt: What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

“Do or do not…there is no try” (Yoda). That’s what I keep hearing in my head when trying to respond to this prompt. Course, what does it really mean to try? That I will try something on and see if it fits? That I will try something new to eat and see if I like it? These are matters of checking out something new, and if it is unsatisfactory I walk away. But what about trying to be a better wife and mother, but if I don’t get there at least I tried? I don’t want to go there.

What about 2010…was there something I wanted to try/do? I remember something I have thought about doing for perhaps several years now, and probably at one time thought 2010 would be the year. My secret, closet dream is to run a Racing the Planet race (www.racingtheplanet.com). These are endurance, expedition races—not adventure races that involve varied activities like biking, paddling, and navigating, but long amounts of running for a week in amazing outdoor locales (the Atacama desert in Chile, the Gobi desert in China, and even Antarctica). I love the outdoors, I love running, I love adventure. I want to give it a go. Wait…that sounds a bit like trying….

2011? Not good timing as I will be continuing graduate school through the year.

2012? A definite possibility. Why is it so hard to say that will be the year I DO it?

In 2011 I can see if I have the stuff for such a race. Wait—trying again—I can prepare to get the stuff for such a race. I can increase my running distances to see how I do with greater-than-marathon mileage. I am doing a half marathon in June; I will work to increase my mileage over the summer (since I have more time) and see how I do.

After writing this reflection it appears I really am going to TRY—to do my best, to set a mileage goal for the summer and work toward it. Maybe I will find out I don’t really like running those distances, and I don’t really want to run such a race. Maybe trying is more about exploring than about success or failure. You don’t know if you want to do something if you don’t check it out first. 2011 is the year of checking out, then depending on the results 2012 will be the year of DOING. Wish me luck!

#reverb 10 Day 15: 5 minutes

Prompt: Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

5 minutes…on your mark, get set, go!

This past year my daughter got engaged (and will be married before the year is out). At first I was worried, then I started to like the guy, I began to trust her a little more, and now I’m downright excited. It’s funny how these kinds of things grow on you. I wish them all the best (though they will continue to live hundreds of miles away from me!), and I will do all I can to support their life path.

Last spring my husband was deployed to Qatar. I am so fortunate to have the technology we have today; we were able to Skype most every day, and email, and sometimes a have a regular phone call. It was only two months, but it seemed like a long time to me. He was in no danger (working on an AF base there). I had so much to be grateful for…yet it was still very difficult. We had not been married 2 years yet. I had spent most of my life living alone (well, no significant other, anyway), but it is amazing how quick we become attached to that other and they become quite significant. I am much more appreciative of those who sacrifice their husbands (and wives) for so much longer, and for my freedom. Thank you!

5 minutes. Done!

#reverb 10 Day 13: Action

Prompt: When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)

My current foremost aspiration is to become a master teacher. I have started my master’s degree program this past fall, and it will take me through the 2011 year. It has been amazing so far. I have just finished my first two courses; I could walk away now and already be a better teacher. My perspective has been changed immensely. For one thing, my focus has gone from what I am teaching to what students are learning, which will in turn inform the former. I have learned how student writing will help me accomplish the learning and thinking I want to see happen in my science class. I have also participated in the magic of collaboration: I can see how working with others can help build my skills, create community, and provide support in an often solitary endeavor.

My action in 2011 will be a continuing along this path. I will make an extra effort to apply my new understandings and skills in my teaching as I go to do the best I can for my students.

#reverb 10 Day 12: Body Integration

Prompt: Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I have actually have felt this—it is pretty amazing. I have felt this integration when I have been backpacking. When I am on the trail I am totally reliant on my own two feet. I’m in a place where it doesn’t matter what I look like, whether or not I have makeup on, it doesn’t matter that I am overweight. It only matters that I am out there and I am doing it. I think part of it is the paring away of the pressures and influences and obligations of everyday life. I leave who I am behind, that fragmented being, and become something else that is inside of me. My mind, body and spirit are joined and focused on moving forward, taking in the full sensory experience of being in the outdoors.

Since I met my husband my backpacking has gone down to a dull roar (though he is good enough to have accompanied my friends and I on several weeklong backpacking trips). We did not make it out this past year, so I did not have that transformative time. I also run, however, and there are times when running will bring a similar integration.

I think this moment occurs when all parts of my being are pulled out of my usual self and are focused on a challenging (yet highly enjoyable) task. It is not a place for me to remain, but a place to visit to refill the well, lay down my burdens, and find the joy I don’t always see.

#reverb 10 Day 10: Wisdom

Prompt: What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?(Author: Susannah Conway)

The smartest decision I made this year was to have faith in my daughter’s choices.

Last May she called and said she was going to get engaged to a young man she met up in Utah (she was going to school up there). Being the mother I am, I was full of worry. Should she be getting married now? Can he take care of her? Are they thinking this through? Can she make a good choice? How will they make a living and finish school? In fact, I was so full of worry that I couldn’t be happy for her.

I remembered back to when I was young (and even now), when I was making a life choice and I was so worried about my parents’ reaction. At times I have felt I steered away from opportunities because of my parents’ negative response. Like studying abroad. Or joining the Peace Corps. Or going on a mission for my church.

Once I wanted to develop a home candle business, but that was the sort of thing my parents did not think much of. I wanted to give it a go anyway. That time I did, though it didn’t last more than a year, but at least I ventured.

When I began backpacking I heard the worry in my mother’s voice at being off in the wilderness. As I got older I began to do those things anyway, despite my parents’ approval. But it is still something I struggle with.

I didn’t want my daughter to have that lid dropped on her every time she wanted to “try on a new hat.” I supported her in her interior decorating. I encouraged her schooling to be a plant biologist. I applauded her t-shirt designs and mural paintings. What is life if it isn’t a place to explore and discover. You won’t win at everything, you won’t enjoy everything you try, but you’ve got to do it—just so you know.

So here we are. The most important decision of one’s life. And I was becoming my mother. So I decided to just button up. My daughter is not only beautiful but smart and sometimes wise beyond her years. She seeks counsel and gives things much thought. It is time I support her in this endeavor as well, to have faith in the woman she now is and the things I hopefully taught her through her life.

My daughter is getting married. And I am thrilled.

#reverb 10 Day 8: Beautifully Different

Prompt: Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.
(Author: Karen Walrond)


My students often ask me why I am always smiling. I tell them it is because I like to see them every day.

I do smile a lot. When I give out those good vibes, I get good vibes back. That puts me in a good mood, and I smile more. It is a vicious circle.

Try it, you’ll like it :)

#reverb 10 Day 6: Make

Prompt: What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

The last thing I made was pumpkin muffins on Sunday morning. I was cleverly using up the pumpkin left over from pumpkin chocolate chip cookies the day before. I love to spend time in the kitchen making meals or treats for my family, my friends, or myself. I wish I had more time for such things, but, alas, I must work for a living.

I would like to make a new set of placemats for our table that play off the colors of the new dishes we just bought. Maybe a deep red. I will have to set some time aside next year for that. I really enjoy using my talents (large or small) to do things for my family.

#reverb 10 Day 5: Let go

Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I let go of my feelings of incompetency.

Perhaps it started with my first teaching job. I struggled when I taught science in a middle school. I had a hard time with the active students. I didn’t have my own room and transported myself (and my lab equipment) around from room to room with a cart. Some say I was not sufficiently supported in ways I needed in that assignment. Nevertheless, I was not rehired the following year.

I decided to stick with education and I took up substitute teaching. I developed classroom management skills, learned to sometimes think on the fly, became more comfortable interacting with different ages of students.

The next fall I was given another chance in the district I am working in today. I have been there now over 20 years. I love the school I am working at, I love what I do, I love the students I meet. But I have carried around this nagging thought that I am not as effective as I could be, that I don’t have a good, solid science program. I have seen great teaching, I know what it looks like, how it feels, but I just can’t seem to recreate it.

My husband and I decided I should start working on my Master’s degree this year, so I began an online program in September. This program has aligned itself with the National Board Certification program, a process that develops and recognizes advanced teaching. I have wanted to do both for quite a while, and as the two programs are integrated I thought it would be the perfect opportunity.

I am just finishing up my first two classes. I have been asked to study specific lessons and look at student work in a collaborative group. I have videotaped myself teaching and shown it to others for critique. I have reflected upon my homework and grading policies. I have continually been asked to look for evidence that what I do is helping students learn. This is tough. Teaching is an isolated work. To put your work up for peer scrutiny is difficult. I feel vulnerable, but I do it anyway. I kick and scream, but I do it anyway. I am flush with shame at times, but I do it anyway. I move forward with the hope that on the other side is growth and competence.

When a great man was young and struggling with his first real work of sacrifice and service, his father told him, “Forget yourself and get to work.” This past term I have been able to take my eye off my own weaknesses and feelings of inadequacy by turning my eye to what was happening with my students. I have not only had an opportunity to reflect and collaborate regarding fundamental aspects of my teaching, but I am continually checking in with my students to see how what I do affects them. I then alter what I do to make my teaching more effective. It’s not so much about what I’m doing as what it’s doing for them. In that moment, when the camera switches around from the giver to the receiver, everything changes. I am forgetting myself and getting to work. And that is the moment that my feelings of incompetency (perhaps better addressed as FEAR) begin to fall away.

There is an angel hanging on my wall over my desk. She has a variety of phrases posted on her gown. Embrace change. Begin today. Surrender your fear. Be brave. I am encouraged. I am letting go of the baggage, pruning off the dead wood, allowing myself room for new growth. At the moment, however, I’m feeling a little naked without the covering of my withered leaves. Be brave.

#reverb 10 Day 4

Prompt: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Hmmm…not what I wondered about, but how did I cultivate a sense of wonder. When I read what we have learned about our planetary neighbors, I have a sense of wonder. When I go hiking in the foothills and I see acorns sprouting on a bush or the footprints of a deer hoof in the mud, I have a sense of wonder. When I see a glorious picture of a cave encrusted in basalt crystals, I have a sense of wonder. When I see the brilliant hues of a sunset, I have a sense of wonder. There are some things that particularly touch me in this existence, and when I present myself to being touched by them again I am back in that moment of wonder. This requires my knowing what speaks to me in that way (the physical/natural world around me) and then creating time for this interface to happen (reading, listening or getting out into the natural world).

The daily grind is a killer of this most childlike and innocent of places. I seem to stumble on these places by accident while on the path of my day. I forget about them until I find them again. Perhaps this is the purpose of the “artist dates” in Cameron’s The Artist’s Way (1992). This may also be why it is important to go on these dates alone, so that you do not have anything keeping you from interacting with that source of wonder.

This sense of wonder is what feeds the things I do with my life. I cannot teach my daughter or my students about the world around them, share my passion, without this feeling of wonder. I cannot enjoy the beauty of the world with my husband without this sense of wonder. I will have to make a commitment in 2011 to make these moments happen much more regularly.

#reverb10 Day 3

Prompt: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

Uniforms snap to attention when their symbol of freedom makes an appearance. Floor-length dresses of shimmery reds, snowy whites and wintery blues fill the room as if from the land of dream. The sky twinkles in the dim light. Many rise and flow onto the dance floor with the swell of the musical current.

A hand is extended within my view. It is my handsome air force man, the keeper of my heart, ever the catcher of my eye. I place my hand in his, accepting his invitation to join the others. We are swept into the melody, holding each other close so as not to let anything come between us. The warmth of his cheek, the close of his fingers, the softness of his voice in my ear. I am the very princess I dreamed about as a girl.

My second wedding anniversary.

#reverb 10 Day 2

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Well, let’s see. That would be my husband, my daughter, my dogs, my house that needs to be cleaned, my dinner that needs to be cooked, my papers that need to be graded, my lessons that need to be planned, my piano that needs to be practiced, my bills that need to be paid, the classes I need to teach every day, the graduate school homework that needs to be completed…
What keeps me from writing is the busyness of life. All the little things that fill up the spaces in my day, things that need to be done, that leave no time for anything but absolute essentials. I set time aside everyday for things that I want to do, like writing—I even make “an appointment with myself” that is so often recommended—but that list of necessities seems to scream the loudest in my ears.

I used to say I could get so much work done at school if I didn’t have students every day. What a silly statement: without students there would be no work to do. More importantly, teaching is ABOUT the students. As I think about how nice it would be if I could not work a day job, or dream of having a housekeeper, or becoming a hermit so that I can do more writing, I think about what I normally write about. My writing is often journaling, blogging, writing my personal history, responding to stories or movies I have experienced, about my teaching. My writing is about life and about MY life. If I only sat in a locked room and wrote, I eventually would end up with nothing to write about. This may not be true of others, but it is true for me. Writing is a response to my experience here on Earth, and my experience is made up of the big and little things that fill my day.

Perhaps I am between a rock and a hard place. Living keeps me from writing, but writing can keep me from living. That elusive “balance” that so many search for is probably the nebulous answer. One important thing I learned in my graduate writing class is that writing is a thinking process, allowing the writer to organize and reflect on their thoughts. It is an important activity. Maybe this is not so much about what I need to eliminate as much as what I can integrate to support and lift the pieces of my existence. My daily experiences, mistakes and successes, adventures, decisions, thoughts: these need to be recorded not just for others to read but for myself to make sense of them, to reflect on the big picture, to make decisions, and to enjoy them. Writing can bring a depth to my living that otherwise does not exist.

#reverb10 Dec. 1 Entry

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word.

Family

This past year has been my second year of marriage to my husband. He served overseas for two months this year, and I was most happy to have him home (though I am so proud of his service!). My daughter is on a good path in her life and is engaged to be married in a month. This has been a year full of family joy.


Now imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Growth